It's such a weird balancing act to celebrate Father's Day and to ignore it all at the same time. To be alive to the happy day for my husband and to feel dead to the day in terms of my own father.
I haven't heard his voice in over a year. Haven't seen him in over a year. And I can tell I am staring down many more years of that same thing. I can feel it, as deep as anything, that this a terminal case. There just is no going back for him (and her) and me. I think we are officially what you call "estranged".
I typed a bunch of other stuff along this topic and then deleted it. Just thinking out loud and then wisely letting it go. Just needed to get it out of my system before Father's Day tomorrow.
My kids and I have a certain someone to celebrate! Gonna dwell on that instead.
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3 comments:
I hear ya. I called my stepdad this morning, but have no desire to call my real dad and that makes me feel guilty. Everything is awkward and forced between me and him. I used to dread Father's Day until James because a daddy, and now like you said it's half alive half dead.
Which brings up a good point! It's been a strained/tempestuous relationship for years actually, making Mother's/Father's Day a bit forced and awkward. So looking on the bright side of this estrangement, now I don't have to pretend and go through the motions any more. Happy Father's Day to me! (I know that sounds awful, but it's my blog and I know you get the humor.) ;}
oy. I don't think it's terminal. Just keep praying about it. I do. You never know what may change. But you saying you haven't heard his voice in a year - just pained me a reality check kind of way. It stinks...but he's still our dad. I'll never believe there isn't any hope for at least reconciliation. - maybe not full fledged relationship, but at least reconciliation. We'll see though. Time will tell.
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