Down with Peanuts

I have not been shy lately about telling my friends that I feel such anxiety building in me this year about Noah's peanut allergy.  I am really having to stare down a spirit of fear.  Just writing it out makes my eyes water with emotion.

Ridiculous.  How can such a stupid little thing be such a fear-invoking thing? A tiny little piece of food?!

Down with Peanuts, y'all!  Down!

This morning we dropped Noah off at VBS and I had to physically put one foot in front of the other to walk away and not turn around and get my baby and keep him with me where I can be sure he is safe.  I communicated with his VBS sub (yes a sub on day 1 did not instill much confidence in me at all) about his allergy, I pointed out the eip-pen i had STRAPPED TO HIS BODY, I even slapped stickers on the front and back of him that said he has a peanut allergy.  I told the lady to call 911 before she calls us in case of an emergency and I made her write down our number.  And I may have certainly hounded Noah about a hundred times to be sure he doesn't put AN-Y-THING in his mouth without checking with a grownup first. And yet still, Josh and I did not feel ok leaving the boy to get lost in the crowd of kids and activity and ... foods.  We did it - but it was not easy. Josh seriously was ready to turn the car around a little ways down the road the more we talked about how uneasy we felt at how the drop off played out.  Then I laughed and told him we could not let ourselves turn into Nemo's dad.  Ha!

WHY am I weeping again about this?!  Y'all, I know you can't understand, but it is just. not. easy. doing this peanut-free lifestyle thing in a world of people and things that are not peanut-free.

I had to spank Noah at a birthday party this weekend when for the THIRD time in a row I caught him chowing down on candy/treats that he didn't even stop to wonder, let alone ASK someone, if it might contain peanuts.  That was the first time the peanut thing has needed a spank to make the point ... and the consequences are just too severe not to.  From here on out, he will get spanks for anything he eats without checking with a grown-up first.  In our lives, it is as dangerous as him crossing the street without looking.

Not. ok.

That same party I crossed a line I haven't had to before.  I got severe with him about the severity of his allergy.  I tried to scare him into remembering how important this issue is.  (Although, how could he possibly not know already?)  I had to use the words - die, choke to death, dead.  THIS is how dangerous foods can be for him if he is not careful.  (and the people around him, for that matter, too)

Who wants to talk to their 5 yr. old about death?  Even worse, his own death.  No.  Awful.

Down with peanuts, y'all.  Down.

Signed, Seriously Struggling

PS- Don't even get me started about what it's like to be THAT mom at get-togethers and restaurants that has to bug people about what ingredients are in all the foods.  That's a post for another day - I've touched on it before actually.  I seriously need to find a support group.