Pleading

Y'all, as time drags on in our foster-turned-custody-turned-hopeful TPR-to-adopt timeline, I find my prayer life has become a steady drivel of hopeful petition and pleading to the Lord.  I hope I am not wearing Him out/annoying Him with my repetition.  Ha!  I grow increasingly desperate for some closure/finality.  Specifically, I beg for closure that favors our wishes of course, but honestly, as desperate as I feel, closure at all (yes, even if NOT in our favor) will be welcome.  THAT is how desperate I am for all this time passing and waiting to be over.  And even just articulating that specifically here in text makes my eyes water up.  That is how tired I am emotionally. That is just how tired I am of this inbetween stage of our legal situation with Lasa ... with our family.

And I know it's just my selfish flesh that feels weak.  Because in my spirit, the Spirit always reassures me that what He orders is/will be best ... so if he orders more years of waiting, I can trust that it's for some form of best.  If he orders that the judge will turn down our TPR petition, I know I will trust that it's for some form of best.  And if he orders that Lasa be allowed to be adopted into our family, that would be my favorite form of His best, as far as my limited perspective and selfish desires can perceive on their own to be best.  So, yes, guilty - my personal best best preference continues to plead, plead, plead with the Lord for the end of all this waiting and for favor so we can adopt.

And I feel it even more keenly (so like, even more desperate than desperate, if that's a thing) when I have to sit by in this relentless waiting and pleading with the Lord and endure how little effort Angelique puts into Lasa, how little priority she puts into her two visit opportunities a month, how little care she seems to have in between visits, how absent her support and presence in Lasa's life is.  I gripe about this this morning just because we are fresh off another weekend where she didn't make any effort to see Lasa when she knew it was her weekend to see Lasa.  For the second visit weekend in a row,  she passed on seeing the child for which she so obstinately retains parental rights to and opted to shoot us a lazy three word text at the end of the day simply asking how the baby is.  Yes, she is so lazy and indifferent, she will often just call her "the baby."

Gosh, y'all, the seeming injustice of having our family on hold for her lazy a-- for 2+ years now with no legal end in sure sight ... it's just heavy on me.  Josh, conversely, is totally chill and unbothered about all this.  I can't tell you for sure if that helps me or not.  HA!  No, It helps.  It does.  It reminds me that the important things have already been accomplished ... that being that Lasa is already safely court-ordered to be a permanent fixture in our family.  I get that.  I really, really do see that and grasp that and praise the Lord for his work in that.

And I admit, I know!, it really is my selfishness that still cries out for more ... for finality and formality of her becoming an actual, literal, legal member of our family.  BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A BAD THING TO SELFISHLY WANT.

Anyway, I just had a few minutes this morning and wanted to unload my silly mental status in the wait.  There it is!  Please, Lord, please continue to do YOUR thing in Lasa's and Angelique's lives, but also, please, Lord, please let it be the thing I am praying for.  HA!!

All that to say, please, Lord, please, forgive my selfishness and my weakness and faithlessness.  I know I am a babbling wimpy baby sometimes in this.  I really do trust You, Lord. I trust what you are doing with me in the wait and what you are doing that I can't see or feel.  I believe Your will in this is best.  Help my unbelief!