My parents have gotten so good at hating me that they can't see anything else. They can't see that it's really, really, really enough for me. Like, forever. I could do without dealing with them and this toxic relationship I've struggled and suffered with for 20 years now. There's been recent fallout and more cold silence between us (yes, again) for the past several months and with the coming of Thanksgiving, it seems as though the deed is done. I was already looking for a so-called end times confirmation for our relationship when I got yet another scathing, angry email from them today about why they would not come for Thanksgiving.
You'd think I'd be sad about this. I wish I could feel anything. I am so numb to all the drama and disapproval they heap on me at every turn. Whatever. All I feel now is relief that this really, really is it. Truly, I feel a weight lifted and I feel like I can breathe now. And move on!
And so, I officially dedicate this song to this dumb thing that I am glad is now over. Please don't offer any condolences. I truly, truly am not sad. I cry a little about it, but they aren't sad tears. Just tears at the passing of something that once meant something.
I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don't feel bitter, alone
I just feel its time, its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on
Yeah
Maybe it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad
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- Kimberly
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10 comments:
No condolences, just sad that it has to be this way. Their loss. Move on.
You have an awesome relationship with John and Carol and they want an awesome relationship with you. Don't think you'll ever see a scathing email from either of them. They love you and those precious babies too much to severe ties and we do, too! :)
Amen to that. Love y'all! The Brown family has always been my soft place to land.
Sorry it's come to this, but glad you found some peace. I went through a similar situation with my dad.
I'm glad your are at peace. I'm sorry that so many years of trying has resulted this way for you, but I am glad that you are okay with it. They are the ones that are missing out on your sweet family! I hope you have a happy thanksgiving!
Thanks, guys! The moral support helps. :) Will just be glad when this is so far behind me that is stop being a talking point. Should have nipped this in the bud 4 years ago if not sooner Goodness knows we've been circling this event for that long. :(
You are tied to our hearts, We love you, you are ours.
Oh Kim, I am glad to think you may finally have some peace about this. I hope you realize what a testament it is to you and your parenting skills that you are raising two such fantastic, exceptionally great kids, despite the way your own parents have treated you. Hugs!!!
The fog is lifting for me today and these encouraging words are so soothing to hear. Thanks, Carol! Thank you, Jill!
Every time I think of you and this post, my heart aches for you... especially when I consider how blessed I am to have just had both of our moms visiting us. However, you asked for no condolences, so I'll just leave this with an I'm praying for you and an I'm so glad you are a welcome, loved, and accepted part of the Brown family and an I couldn't agree more with what your friend Jill said. I love Carol's comment and the truth behind it and the way they love you.
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