I wonder if you believe me, or even know what I mean, when I say between Noah and Anna there is no difference to me.
One ours by adoption, one ours by birth - yet there has been no. difference. for us in love, in regard, in thrill, in protectiveness, in affection, in identification, in bonding. None.
Which is why when I marvel at the miracle of having grown Anna - her each and every part and a lot of her nature and manner - within my own body, I ache, I mourn even, that I cannot say the same for Noah.
It is astounding to me to know that the breath of life, straight from God, came to her via me. And it smarts a little to know that I was not in the mix when that same breath of life was given to Noah.
It's a bit weird. To have a child who is so you, so yours and yet to have to accept that he isn't as much yours as your other child. It feels a little like being ripped.
I'm not sure what the emotion is I am trying to describe here, but I liken it to a sort of loss ... that I can't make him more mine - my actual flesh and blood. It just doesn't compute to me that there is that separation between me and him. It doesn't feel like it's there. And yet that is the truth of it. I kind of scorn the fact that it is, which is hard to do given how I treasure our adoption story and I love how we came into each other's lives.
He is mine relationally and emotionally. He is mine legally and he is mine daily. He is mine physically. But I can't make him mine biologically. And that minor detail stings my heart some, so deep and so fierce is my love for that boy.
It nags at me that I can't make him mine in the same way that Anna is. Brings on a touch of melancholy.
On another note, I wonder if there is any sort of parallel with us before God as Jews or Gentiles, or as sinners before a holy God. I'll have to ponder that one ...
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Wow, the entire time I was reading this I was getting the parallel with our faith, also. No, Noah will never be flesh of your flesh, but he is the child of your heart. And, that is all that matters in the end. What a blessed little boy he is! I can honestly say that he would not get the love and attention and care anywhere else.
It's funny - I had that same thought answering me back as I wrote - that although he's not my flesh and blood, he is the real deal when it comes to my heart and soul.
So glad you kinda see a parallel, too. I'm not quite sure what it is, but there's something there, I think. Another day, another WPTM post...
From this side, I often forget that Noah was adopted by you as I see him as flesh and bones...all yours. Even though it may nag at you that you didn't contribute to his genetic make up I'm sure he will never "feel" any less yours than Anna will ever feel. Like Amy said, he couldn't be anymore blessed to have you all as parents.
Me, too, Shannon! I totally forget the actual adoption part ... which is why when I recall it it just doesn't compute ... I guess because it is no matter in the end really. That is how not-an-issue it really is I guess.
Heart wins out. I gotta not let the melancholy get it my head.
You said another thing right, too. Nag is a better word for it than I used ...
I went back and put that in. :) You know how I am about my words.
Yeah, it does seem to be a "you" issue that I wouldn't let get to you too much, because, really, who cares...he has your heart and committment to him just like anna has your heart and commitment to raise her... the rest of the world sees him as yours, wholly. I do, until we talk about adoption or whatever.
I really enjoyed seeing the parallel with gentiles and God vs the Jews and God...
your insight to biblical parallels never fails to amaze me. I love you man!
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