It was an emotionally taxing day Sunday as we anticipated Lasa's visit with her momma. It was a frustrating visit from start to finish, but it ended on an encouraging note, so that's good I guess? After all that up and down, I found myself wet in the eyes in the car Monday listening to this song. Thinking about Lasa, her momma, upcoming trial, having NO control, and accepting that because we DO know who does. It was cathartic anyway to hear words I can relate to so presently. Good song! (I have another tear jerker from this same guy that I will post soon, too, that relates to our Lasa season as well.)
Let Go by Matt Hammitt
I wanna hold on 'cause I'm afraid
And I didn't ask for it to be this way
Somehow I found myself caught in the gray
Reaching out for fear, running out of faith
You know what I don't so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
I wanna let go
I wanna let go of what I can't change
'Cause I can't wrap my mind around Your ways
I've got more questions than I have answers these days
Please don't let my suffering go to waste
You know what I don't so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
I wanna let go, I wanna let go
These are the moments it's hard to believe
So please help me, please help me
These are the moments of surrendering
So please help me, please help me, please help me
'Cause You know what I don't so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
I wanna let go
And I didn't ask for it to be this way
Somehow I found myself caught in the gray
Reaching out for fear, running out of faith
You know what I don't so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
I wanna let go
I wanna let go of what I can't change
'Cause I can't wrap my mind around Your ways
I've got more questions than I have answers these days
Please don't let my suffering go to waste
You know what I don't so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
I wanna let go, I wanna let go
These are the moments it's hard to believe
So please help me, please help me
These are the moments of surrendering
So please help me, please help me, please help me
'Cause You know what I don't so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
You're in control so help me to let go
I wanna let go
14 comments:
What happened that was so frustrating? Sounds like you at least had a visit right?
Wait. I thought baby mama was MIA.
I don't know how you handle/juggle it all.
Continued prayers.
It's all so tedious - Momma surfaced last Sunday and said she didn't have time to meet up, could we meet Thursday instead? Josh told her we were out of formula and baby food and needed to meet sooner, so she agreed to meet for 5 mins to give us some. So he saw her for 5 mins last weekend. Lasa screamed the entire time. She of course never did follow through on visiting during the week. She never has once in all these eight months, though she always asks to and we agree to. It's ridiculous.
Then this past Sunday, Rodney (her husband) called at 2:30 to schedule a 5:30 visit. We said baby will be tired then because it's her nap, could we meet sooner? He said he had things to do. So fine, we agreed to 5:30. We get there and wait and wait and wait and text twice to see where they are. Not a single word comes back from them. We say we are leaving at 6:!5. They never respond or show. I am FUMING at this point. We got all five of us out and screwed with baby's schedule for them and they don't even show or call. Fuming is really an understatement. So we load back up and drive the half hour back home. On the way home, at 6:30, Angelique calls (from a new number, again) and wants to know if we are still there!!! She in on the way. Josh goes round and round with her on the phone saying, No, we left, this communication is not working, something's got to improve, we all loaded up and were waiting, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't have even answered the phone I was so furious. Josh is a saint. Angelique appears to feel bad, calls back and offers to come all the way to Gallatin to see baby if we will allow it. I am still furious and I would have said no. Josh, the saint, agrees to take us all back home, feed baby, and head back out by himself so Angelique can see Lasa. So he does, they have some good talks, visit goes well for the first time in a long time ... meaning Lasa didn't scream this time. Josh insisted Angelique not pick her up right away but allow baby to warm up and watch her for a bit first. Worked great! Josh also gave her the talk about how she is not providing enough formula and food and diapers and that we are having to pay for this stuff now. And she was apparently surprised by that and said she would meet us this week to give us more. I am surprised that she gives us a week of formula and thinks that lasts a month while she disappears. I just... I can't .... I am over her. Needless to say, we haven't heard from her this week about meeting with supplies. No shock there.
So visit was a mix of fury ... and then still I felt relief that she was visibly apologetic and responsive when she finally did show up.
I forgot to say ... i was sick in my stomach with anxiety to begin with worrying about Lasa crying again during the visit ... so that was just not a good place to start the whole evening on. :S
Sounds to me like you and Josh need to get on the same page regarding boundaries with her and Rodney. You call Josh a saint...I call him an Enabler of her lack of respect or follow through. She thinks she can be apologetic, and then get what she wants. You guys need to remember, however generalized you may think it sounds, but folks like that are MASTER manipulators. Don't let her continue to manipulate you. Set the boundary...don't be ready to jump THREE hours AND during her nap time to make a visit happen. You have said it so many times before. Your job...is Lasa. Mom's job...is to PROVE herself. And you guys letting her get away with this lack of respect or reliability isn't really helping her at all. Or Lasa...because while a visit DID happen...at Josh's mercy, regardless...she PROVED not to be able to keep a time, stay in touch, or care enough to even meet up again.
I'd say, note this fiasco, and set some firm boundaries, and then stick to them...sorry Angelique...we were there...you weren't .... we called....you didn't answer....we stayed late even....you still didn't show up. ENough. Of. That. Crap.
I will pray you can manage the mental and emotional jerking around you are dealing with...but then, you AND Josh need to stop catering to her unreliabity!
I am so mad FOR you guys....uhhhhhh.
Remember, you care for Lasa first. Mom needs to prove capabilities to parent and prove that she even cares enough about her baby to keep these visits/appointments, otherwise, on paper...it appears she cared enough to show up...however late and disrrespective and haphazard the ordeal may have been.
You are a saint too Kimberly....
Yep. I second your sister's comments.
THAT was an encouraging pep talk and spot on in so many points. Thank you for the feedback!! You are right. I have a number of things I wanted to comment on that you brought up, but it is late and I am out of town at the homeschool convention but I will definitely come back here when I get back home. BUT I did want to go ahead and give you this update - Angelique has been arrested again. :/ While already on probation from her arrest a few weeks ago! Not good. But this, too, is all in Gods hands. The timing. All of it. He is doin something. Really can't wait for court on Tuesday.
What?! What was the arrest for this time? Surely the judge in this case will make the logical decision regarding custody and visitation terms for mom..if any... didn't you say if she was arrested again, that she'd have to serve her prison time that they gave her mercy on?
This whole situation is just crazy. Praying for you guys! How can it be more clear that she is completely unfit to care for a baby? She can't even care for herself. The whole system makes me mad.
Can. Not. Wait. to hear from you on Tuesday.
Seriously! I had forgotten about her being on probation until Josh reminded me. She has two charges from this arrest yesterday. Both are assault/bodily injury. She has a review in court tomorrow that I am anxious to read more details from.
Wonder if was against Rodney again...??? DO you know if she is actually in jail now? or was she let out again? And the review in court is public? So curious!
Not sure. I am assuming she is in jail until the review tomorrow. It is all public record. Which is how JJ found out again and blew my phone up. :} I am SURE one was on Rodney. I should look up if He was arrested too. I even wondered aloud if something would go down this week after she was showing such emotion on Sunday. I worried she would lash out after feeling so stirred. Poor thing can't handle the emotions, I think.
TO be a fly on the wall into the life she lives...how/what causes these sorts of unhealthy outbursts Two violence related arrests...I will be SHOCKED if she gets any sort of custody over Lasa. A 100% totally vulnerable. Praying the judge makes the best and most wise decision for Lasa!
Honestly Angelique needs to concentrate on Angelique.
Being a parent is secondary until she gets her life together and can keep it together for a very long time.
Lasa is exactly where she needs to be and can hopefully stay in this loving nest for a good long while.
Hoping so too!
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