I'm in a mood about the adoption that causes me to want to be quiet. Except for how I keep singing this song - it's stuck in my head. It's just as well. I have no other words apt or worthy enough to offer anyway.
Yesterday, we closed the two inquiries we had open still (not that we think there would have been any forward movement with either of the girls) and, for all intents and purposes, have decided to stop seeking after this adoption, except that we'll leave our file active with our adoption agency until it just expires on its own in the not so distant future. It's gonna take me a little while to shift gears in my heart and to not dwell on this in my mind. It takes concentrated effort to not feel frustrated and disillusioned, to not feel foolish for mistaking my timing for the Lord's, and to not feel the need to save face and know why this did not end like we envisioned it would. I just have to bend my will, not question God's, and also not try to protect my pride in the inbetween. That's all.
So when I heard this song yesterday, it felt like the perfect anthem for where we are (or are not, as the case may be) with an adoption, for what I feel now, and for what I am doing in response - learning to be ok with it, even though it doesn't feel ok. I choose what this song says, which is to beg the Lord to help me sing Hallelujah regardless of what's in front of me. And I find, thankfully, that it is not so hard to do at all.
Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon
Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach
I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play
And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
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8 comments:
I'm sorry that this hasn't worked out the way you wanted, but I will pray that God's will will continue to be done in your life and with your family. I remember before Noah was born when you thought that adopting Noah was not in God's will for you and Josh and then, suddenly, it was again. God has a plan for your family...it is just rarely exactly what we think it is going to be, when we think it should be.
You are exactly right, Kasey. That door was closed and we accepted it as direction to go another way and then 3 months later, it flew right back open. What a good reminder and point of comparison. Thanks.
And good memory!
Such a great song Kimmie. So good...just so good.
Interesting. SO what does that mean now exactly? Are you putting adoption on the shelf for a year or so and then looking at it again?
Of course, doing it again. Haven't a clue when. And, honestly, I'm not interested in trying to speculate about it either. I shut my mouth on this one.
Hey, Heather! I have been thinking about you since Kore's trip! Hope the school year if off to smooth start for your babies. :)
I'm praying for you. I sure didn't imagine that this would ever come to this. Like Kasey said, things can change in an instant though. So, keep singing "Hallelujah". Another song that came to mind is "While I'm Waiting".
Hang in there.
You are right, Shannon. I get very specific encouragement/direction from that song. I remember hearing in now in that Fireproof movie.
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