Recklessly Love

I don't even know how to synthesize (and communicate a fitting blog update of) all the variables involved in our foster and custody situation right now and how it will play out before it's all over.  We are so unprepared for the legal parts of what we are already in and what would be required to pursue permanency for Lasa with us.  The good news is that we have time - about 84 days to be exact - to just sit on our present situation and watch to see what Angelique's moves are next before we make any decisions, to just sit and wait on the Lord to direct out paths and our approach to those paths, to not get ahead of the year-long timeline from DCS's original petition on Lasa's behalf that will expire in early August.

So, relief.  Yes.  To not have to know what comes next right now is a relief.  The hard part of that, however, is disciplining my mind to not obsess and gnaw away at all the possibilities that still remain.  THAT is a tall order, but one the Lord has equipped me to do if I will just keep in step with the Spirit... every hour of every day. 

And in the meantime, we carry on with life, with Lasa, with our love and care for her.  Knowing it may not be a forever relationship, knowing it could also be just that.  Oh, the slow and tedious wait.

The wait, though, seems like a good time to share this particular song that has been a gentle guide toward selflessness and sacrifice, recalibrating my heart when I am worn thin or feeling raw (and/or furious!) along the foster care roller coaster ride over this past year.  It was gently and lovingly shared with me back in the fall by a dear friend from high school, Laura.  She just knew it would touch my heart and encourage me to carry on when things are unpredictable, no matter what.  It's a tear-jerker.  Proceed with caution.

All of Me by Matt Hammitt



Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

And that is what this foster care ministry is all about anyway ... to recklessly love.   And to be able to answer the call to do so because we are fueled by an inexhaustible fountain of love to begin with, which is Christ's love and sacrifice.

I guess I share this now because, over the last month, I felt like her staying was gonna play out for her to stay forever mostly likely - so that felt safe.  And then we had another visit with her momma last weekend (the first since the custody change) and found out that she believes she is doing certain steps in a new timeline that will return Lasa to her in the end - and that feels risky.  This was a jolt, to discover that this will likely get harder again before it gets better.  But it's better to know, to be able to pray, to be able to prepare our hearts for either outcome, to pace ourselves.  We, again, willingly leave this in God's hands to determine and will agree with whatever he allows - her staying or her going - as it will all be a function of His purposes and plans, which we can't ask for better than. That won't mean there won't be some bleeding ahead.  Just saying, we'll do it if it comes to that.  And we'll live.  And He'll be right and trustworthy the whole time.