Still Mourning Chewie

Yes, I am still mopey-hearted about Chewie.  Must be the guilt I feel over giving up on him.  I had Josh call the vet to see if they had placed him in a home yet and the unfortunate answer was No.  No?!  Wasn't that the plan when I agreed to let them have him?  I thought they had a place for him.  This means he has been sitting at the vet, most likely in a crate, since last Wednesday.  That thought makes me heartsick.  Just sick.  THIS is why I would have preferred to put him down.  It would all be over and he wouldn't be stuck in a cage and I wouldn't be worrying for him. Josh said they repeated a couple times that Chewie is doing really well, but still. :(

Last night I made a mental list of a few more memories and/or signs of Chewie's life left here that I have come across over the weekend.

• First, I thought of him on Halloween. We didn't have to worry about keeping him away from the Halloween candy that we sorted in the living room floor.  That felt so weird.  
• I finally picked up his upstairs blanket that is on the floor beside my side of the bed.  It's where he would always come sleep if there was a thunderstorm because he was afraid of the thunder.  
• Our living room blanket never has to be put away now to keep him from rooting around in it and making it smell like dog.  We just leave it out every time we leave the house and that is a convenient but weird feeling.  
• When I was clipping coupons this weekend and putting them in my binder, I came upon an Iam's coupon I clipped awhile back.  Felt so weird to pull that out and throw it away. 
• There has been an increase in the number of crumbs around Anna's chair at the table.  What is up with that, I wondered while I dustbusted them up.  And then I remembered.  We no longer have a pooch around that used to hoover all the dropped food up for us. :(
• I was looking at blog posts from this month last year and saw this shot that tugged at my heart all over again.  

This just isn't right!  We are a dog family.  A CHEWIE family.  I miss him a bunch and I wish I had tried a couple other ideas now before giving him away.  :(  I am back to crying today.  I really think I would rather have him back than the stupid money in our savings acct. that seemed so important to protect last week. I emailed Josh at work about me crying about it all again.  In my head, I knew I needed him to be my rock because I also knew my heart was secretly hoping for him to say, let's ask if we can get him back.  Josh delivered more of the truth that we now know.  He said,  

I know, this is a great lesson for us.  In the future I think our financial preparation/commitment for an animal will be grounded by the memory of this loss. 

I also think this is preparation in some way for fostering.

Um, wow.  While that doesn't get me Chewie back, it does distract me from my grief by getting me thinking about what is coming next in our lives.  {exhale} Just getting through this sad goodbye one day at a time.  Lesson learned ... the hard/heartbreaking way. Ugh.