More than a Little Frustrating

The last time we saw/spoke with Tania was in October 2009 when we were in FL for a Disney trip.  She came and saw Noah twice that trip.  Since then we have sent her many pictures as we have done since he was born.  I went a step further this last year and wrote her some things from my heart to show her love and show her we are considering her.  I spent much time deciding what blog posts and what pieces of Noah's art/schoolwork to send to her and just really kept extending a welcome to her as far as Noah was concerned.  We never heard a response, but that wasn't strange really.  She has never really responded to our packages and notes except for thanks in person during a visit.  But this Christmas was the first time we have been to FL since Noah has been born that she did not come see him.  Wondering afterward if this was an intentional move on her part, we texted her and said we missed her at Christmas and we hoped she had gotten all the things we had sent her.  A week or so went by with no answer.

And then this week we finally heard from her.  Turns out she'd lost our number and apparently moved across the country about a year ago! 

Ouch.

When I flesh that little tidbit out, it goes a lot of places and makes me feel a lot of things, not the least of which is how stupid I feel for all the time, thought, and sincerity I put into the Noah things I collected, notated, wrote, and sent to her over the last year and few months - so much.  And she never got them ... because she doesn't live there anymore and has. not. for. a. while!

So, what? I can't help but wonder if she just didn't care if Noah and we knew where to contact her?  Was she not concerned that she would miss any of the things about Noah we send her?  Why didn't she try to get our number again from the people we mutually know?  So frustrating.  I just don't know how to read this situation ... to know if we should try to keep in touch or let this relationship fall away?  I can't help panicking that what some of our caseworkers said is coming true now.  Has she lost interest in knowing Noah?  I feel so many conflicting emotions about it all!


At least, it's enough for me now to just know that if we ever need to find her because Noah wants to contact her then we still can because we have certain extended family members in common. 


I'm not angry.  Well, maybe I am a little.  But mostly I think I am just hurt.  And then I feel guilty and selfish for feeling hurt.  Because really this whole thing is not about me. It's about Noah and HIS birth mother.

I don't even know what my point is right now.  I am just more than a little frustrated.

And I don't know why I keep crying about it.  I just keep crying is all.  I think I am just making my way around to being ok with this new perspective and with it still not making her wrong or uncaring.  None of that has to be the case for this adoption story to be working out as it seems to be working out.  I'm just learning as we go and picking up a few bruises that I have probably set myself up for.  No one else.

There.  I feel better already.